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Submitted on
April 10, 2011
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Seven trees
with
silver leaves
and  doors
unlocked with copper keys
hiding secrets
they don't want us to see.

Rusted nails
painted sails
and the beauty of the
woven trails,
inter-crossed  with
train-tracks rails,
and willow branches
that unveil
all the many
times you failed,
they call you crazy
cat-o-nine-tails.

When colours fade
to black and white,
and summer and spring
reunite
will marks the end of life
for a fearless knight
and eighteen thousand
birds in flight
sing songs that cut
through the battles fight.
Another ryming poem! I'm really starting to like these, anyways the title is rather random so I might change it.


My other ryming poem: [link]

Featured here: [link]

Edit: I changed some of the lines os it would flow better, and cut out a lot of the 3rd stanza.
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:iconagnes-arelia:
Agnes-Arelia Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
What a wonderful rhyming poem! It doesn't sound forced as rhyming poems sometimes do, but rather fresh and original. Great work with both imagery and flow.
This was a delight to read. :)
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:icontalkativemute:
TalkativeMute Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2011  Student Writer
Thanks! It was a very time consuming poem!
Reply
:iconagnes-arelia:
Agnes-Arelia Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I believe you, this complex rhyming poetry can be very tricky to write. :nod: And you're very welcome. :)
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:iconangelsarefascists:
angelsarefascists Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I really liked the first half and then it kind of bottomed for me. It began to feel a bit forced. Also, I think some additional punctuation could help the reader's rhythm.
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:icontalkativemute:
TalkativeMute Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2011  Student Writer
Thanks, that was quite helpful! The second half is a weak point for me too.
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:icondreamofthenightsky:
DreamoftheNightSky Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2011   General Artist
I'm not one for rhyming poems since, in many cases, the poet concentrates on the rhyming scheme, rather than choosing the best word (which might not fit the rhyming scheme). I think you did an alright job. ^_^

I enjoyed the first stanza most. It went right to the point, sounded lovely, and flowed well.:)
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:icontalkativemute:
TalkativeMute Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2011  Student Writer
I know what you mean, this poem was both experimental and time consuming! I'd barely done any rhyming poems before and finding sensible rhymes took forever!
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:iconsandstar12:
Sandstar12 Featured By Owner May 26, 2011  Student Writer
I really like the first five lines of the first stanza as it has a really nice even rhythm and it's easy to fall straight into the rhythm when you start reading. The last two lines of the first stanza don't work quite so well in my opinion..

I love your use of imagery - this creates so many wonderful pictures in my mind. I particularly like 'Rusted nails / breaking / painted sails' which works really well to create an image of something negative ruining something bright and happy. I'm not sure if that's what you were going for though.

In the third stanza, I think 'spring and summer' rather than 'summer and spring' works better and fits the rhythm of the poem better, but that's just my opinion. I love the line: 'and eighteen thousand, / birds in flight'. Originally I missed the comma and read it as eighteen thousand birds in flight sing songs... but is it eighteen thousand soldiers instead? I think it works well both ways.

You might want to watch for apostrophes - 'battle's fight.'

Nice work :)
Reply
:icontalkativemute:
TalkativeMute Featured By Owner May 26, 2011  Student Writer
Thank you! And yes, it was supposed to be eightenn thousand birds. :D
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:iconsandstar12:
Sandstar12 Featured By Owner May 26, 2011  Student Writer
My pleasure. Perhaps remove the comma in that case? Just a suggestion. :hug:
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